'I was overwhelmed with shame...my heavy burden of existence': Robin Uthappa reveals his struggle with depression in 2011

Former India wicketkeeper-batter Robin Uthappa bravely shared his own experience with depression in 2011. His disclosure comes following the tragic news of former England cricketer Graham Thorpe's death by suicide after battling depression and anxiety, as confirmed by his family.

In a social media post, the 38-year-old opened up about his "debilitating and exhausting" battle against depression, which took a toll both mentally and physically and to the extent that he felt ashamed looking at himself in the mirror. He also admitted that this battle was far more challenging than facing the toughest deliveries on the cricket field.

“I recently heard about Graham Thorpe and we have heard about multiple cricketers who have ended their lives because of depression. Even in the past, we have heard of athletes and cricketers who have ended their lives because of clinical depression. I personally have been there as well. I know for a fact that it's not a pretty journey. It's debilitating, it's exhausting and it's heavy. It feels burdening,” Uthappa told on his YouTube channel.

‘I know how burdensome my existence’

“You feel like you are worthless. You feel like you are a burden to the people who you love. You feel like absolutely hopeless. Every step feels heavier and heavier. Every step you take, it feels like more is being added on to you. And just feel immobile. I went through weeks and months and years of just not wanting to get out of the bed,” he said.

“I remember in 2011 I was so ashamed of who I became as a human being that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I went all of 2011 just not looking at myself in the mirror. I did avoid any opportunity or even an instance of me looking at myself anywhere. And I know how defeated I felt in those moments. I know how burdensome my existence had become. I know how far away from being purposeful in life,” Uthappa added.

Uthappa's statement came amid growing concern over the mental health condition of athletes. In fact, the 2007 T20 World Cup winner touched upon the tragedies of cricketers like Thorpe, David Johnson, and VB Chandrasekhar, who all battled such issues during their careers.

Despite his off-field struggles, Uthappa tasted success both in the IPL circuit and on the international stage. He was part of the victorious 2014 Kolkata Knight Riders squad that lifted the IPL trophy, where Uthappa had won the Orange Cap with 660 runs. He also represented India in 46 ODIs and 13 T20Is over nine years. He announced his retirement from the sport in 2022.

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